Tuesday, July 18, 2006
Woke up at 10.00am this morning instead of the usual 3pm.Wearing my glasses instead of my contact lenses. I guess those are reasons for my dizziness now. Hears noises coming from the room. Somebody getting up now. Somebody which I love lesser and lesser over the year. Also the same person why I avoid staying at home. Main source of problems. My natural enemy.
A few days back I had walked out of home in the early morning after I was pissed off. I was meaning early as in 1am. Not the first time I had done this. Sometime things get so unbearable in my house that I seek refuge in the outside world, a place where often I felt more at home then, well, when I am at home. I do not feel so constraint when I am outside. Of course things have changed pretty much over recent years, and I have snatched back most of myself from the grip of dread. I do not give a damn anymore. Anyway back to the few days back. I actually decided to just read my novel (the cause of the fit of thing, senseless) at my void deck, but in the end I realized I had to do something more to burn off the negative emotions in me so I decided to walk. To a lan shop 1 hour walking time from the Street. When I crossed the road at the Street there was a gray creature laying on the road. That was a cat. I strode forwards for a better look and saw it was dead, blood oozing out of its mouth. No apparent injury on the outside, except of the popping out of its right eyeball and the dropping off of its left eyeball. It would look hilarious if it was a cartoon character, but not in a real life. I shuddered at the oddness emitting from it and turned to continue my journey. That was when I remember of the first dead cat I saw two hours back, a sand-colored one lying on a grass slope. It was too far to determine it was dead or not, but my instinct and knowledge of cat told me it was, by the way it laid on the grass. Two dead cats in the span of two hours. I was not too keen in symbols in life. But if the dead cats were anything symbolic I was interested to find out.
After this second cat incident I suddenly felt uneasy. The night breeze felt chilling but I was still sweating profusely. Cold sweat broke out from my forehead. My breathing became shallow and irregular. Then abruptly the urge of a puff ascent and I groped around inside my pocket but found no cigarettes. I cursed. Never in my life did I feel more needy of a stick of cigarette. My mind was blanking out. I realized I was panic. I tried to summon my rational and calm side, the side which had carried me through the life of mine. It worked, and I asserted my self-control back. Gradually my breathing returned to normal and the perspiration stopped. I continued walking into the cool, dark night. The rest of the journey was uneventful.
Lying in my bed last night listening to music, listening to my heart...
it is just sooner or later
11:28 AM
