Wednesday, June 21, 2006
I have been trying hard.
Or have I?
It is 3.04am in the morning. The house was dim and quiet, just like my mind. I have been trying for so long, so hard, to look for those support that would lift my life. I had found them before, but strangely they dissipated quickly away. People finds strength in those they loved, be it family, lover, god, or money. But where is mine? I have not been able to find a permanent support, though I always tried. It might that I am too weak, unable to find that strength to take control of my life. It is just like the coming and going of a day, except that my nights are always longer then the days. I cannot feel the warmth from the sun, but comes the night the coldness radiates from the shadowy moon pierces through my skin and into the bones, making me feeble from the inside. Although I have been trying to lengthen the day, but it always slips through my grasp effortlessly and silently.
I have always loved the serenity of the night because it allows me to think of myself, thus making me feel the existence and presence of myself. But deep inside I know I should not have done this, as it set up a barrier between me and the rest of the world. I want to break it, to make an impact to the outside word so I can feel my presence from the people around me. I really do.
Moreover, death is only a breath away from us. Life is only the span of a breath. It starts with an inhalation and end with an exhalation. I do not want to die within myself, to experience death before I can experience life. How I crave for the sunrise, which indicates the ending of the dark night. With every ray brings hope and warmth to me, however slight it might be. Even if I was to die before witnessing the sunrise, I hope to die under a starry night, with every star conveying the hope and the warmth from the sun.
Sunrise is such a beautiful thing. And it is the only thing which remains beautiful forever.
it is just sooner or later
4:00 AM
